Fear of Commitment *In Progress* - Placebo Fanfiction
by G.S. chocolate in colaboration with Placebo Anyway
Fear of Commitment *In Progress*
My dears,
I’m in love these days with a dream about Placebo.
I would like to share this with you but actually I’m writing in German. I will try to translate but please excuse my not so brilliant English. I hope I can somehow manage to get it clear without too many mistakes.
I have to excuse for one more thing. I am not so much of an insider for Placebo and so I am sure there are things that don’t fit to reality like time-tables or such things.
Feel free to correct me.
And of course the usual warnings: This is fiction, not reality, I do not own Placebo or any persons appearing in the story.
Chocolate
FEAR OF COMMITMENT
Prolog
Noah, Brians best friend, is finding him in a shocking state. What happened?
How can Noah help Brian get back on his feet again.
And how can his own soul bear to survive that?
Chapter 1 – School
„Fuck! Brian! Get up!!“
This guy will once kill me!!
How long do I know him by now?
Well, it are 20 years at least for sure.
***flashback***
We’ve not always been friendsl
When we ran into each other at my first day at the new school, it was rather the opposite. And then Mr. Badio, our English teacher, of course decided we should share the table, as we were both newbies.
Me??? Next to… ???
Back then I really asked myself what IT was.
A guy?? Well… probably… at least he didn’t have any boobs… but he was wearing nail polish!
Which guy is wearing nail polish???
I’ve never met any so far.
Rather reluctantly I was sitting down next to him.
But it appeared that Brian was nonetheless.
He put himself as far as possible on the far end of the table.
Out of necessity became a virtue.
We were both new, we both didn’t know anybody around, we didn’t know the school and we didn’t know where next class would take place.
Again and again we helped each other, were forced to help each other for things like finding our way through the new environment.
But in all that time we hardly spoke a word more than needed.
And besides school there was no contact at all.
Brian simply was too strange a guy.
Everybody, really everybody shot him a critical look.
Even though I’ve been as knew at this school as he was, nobody cared for me.
In the first days and weeks at least.
But that changed fast.
I’ve always been into sports. And so I signed in to the basketball and the soccer team in no time.
Soon I was accepted by all the local guys, had a bunch of friends to hang out with.
While Brian retired.
He’s always been kind of an introvert.
That he gave a fuck about sports didn’t help him any further to find company.
Of course he had other talents. Acting and music for example.
Well, he’s always been an artist with heart and bones.
He was living in his own world most of the time.
And I think he was right about it.
In other moments he could totally open up.
Turning his insides to the outside, offering his vulnerable soul on a silver plate.
He did that whenever he was in love.
Music was his first love.
But he put it in second place more than once.
For love.
At first his love to Will.
And later on to Marlena.
Sometimes it would have been better for him to stay in there, in his own world.
How often did I see him destroyed, down on the ground?
The first time was back then, at school.
The first semester had almost passed and I played along with the thought of changing my table partner.
I was popular and some of my friends kept asking me to come sit with them.
While it still appeared to me that Brian found my presence disturbing.
But then….
As I already said, Brian was different.
He caught attraction.
Attraction not always in the best way possible.
***
It happened right after my soccer training.
I had a talk to coach Clap. He was thinking about putting me on the first striker position, but didn’t really dare to tell Paul, that he wanted to abase him. The talk was long.
I was alone in the changing room, the others already finished.
I’ve heard some noise going on outside, some babbling, that made a bad feeling rise in my belly.
Which was strange. There was always something going on. Always some peeps were sitting out there, talking, smoking, sometimes drinking a beer.
Where did that strange feeling come from all of a sudden?
Were the voices more aggressive? More taunting?
I cannot tell until today.
With an upset feeling in my stomach I pushed up my speed, throwing my sweat dampened cloths careless into my bag, the toilet bag on top and without closing the zipper I was almost running out.
It were the usual beatniks, that were gathered in front of the sports home.
Some of them holding bottles of beer in their hands, but Paul, the leader of the rat pack, was holding a bottle of vodka in his hand.
Where did he get that one from?
And was that the reason that made him so aggressive?
They were standing together in a circle.
It took me a few seconds before I came to terms what was going on right here.
“Hey, where’s the pretty girl? Beautiful long lashes you’ve got.” I’ve heard their voices.
‘A girl? They would not…..???’ shoot through my head.
“And such a lovely fuckable little ass. Shall I fuck-“
They never had besieged a girl. At least not like that. They whistled after the pretty blondes every now and then, throwing some verdicts at them across the streets.
But why did they surround this girl like that?
I squared my shoulders, tried to stay calm and make a self-assured appearance.
“Guys, what’s going on right here?” I demanded when I pushed myself forward through to the center of the crowd to protect that girl, that they were butting from left to right meanwhile.
And then I understood.
It wasn’t a girl.
It was Brian, that they encircled.
His jeans were just a tad too tight, the neckline of his shirt giving away too much of his white satin skin, his eyes shining too bright with dark make-up and his fingernails too black from polish.
And his eyes filled with too much fear.
For a second I was closing my eyes, trying to breathe steady, before I took him by the hand and, with my torso pushing aside other torsos, pulling him out of the cauldron.
As we finally were out of the ring and Pauls branch were throwing speechless looks at us, I let Brians hand drop by the minute, pushed him a step further and turned around, knowing him safe behind me.
“What’s up guys? You’re going for a boy? Are you all gay, or what?”
That striked them.
Their looks were no longer angry. Their eyes got surprisingly huge.
Almost like Brian’s.
“Baahh…. That’s disgusting.“
„Ihh, I’d never touch that guy!!“
“Cut it off!!”
Were just some of the calls following us.
“I’m… ahm… me… Thank you.” Brian stammered as I was still pushing him forward in front of me, trying to get him away from the place of evil.
“Jeez, Brian, GO!”
Again his eyes shot open, becoming huge.
He probably thought I ment he should go away from me.
“Go ahead, to the car.” I explained to him.
It were only a few more steps to go.
Chapter 2 – Parents
Finally at the car I unlocked, got in, leaned over and opened the passenger door for Brian.
“Come on, get in.”
We were driving in silence for a long time while I drove through the city.
I could feel Brian’s stare on me, but he didn’t say a word.
Probably he was still irritated from all the things that just happened.
“Brian, are you okay?” I eventually broke the silence, after I was already afraid he would be in shock.
He slowly shook his head.
“Yes… ahm… yeah… I’m fine. Thanx.”
I shot him a checking glance for a second.
Still he was looking at me with these huge eyes.
They were still bigger than his outstanding eyes already used to be.
“Why did you do that?” he suddenly asked.
“Why did I do what?”
“Get me out of there. Nobody ever did that for me.”
Now I was the one with huge eyes, threatening to fall out of their sockets.
“Nobody ever did that for you? Does that happen often??”
Brian quickly turned away his eyes, nervously he played with his lacquered fingers in his lap.
“No… not often…” His voice was mute, weak.
I closed my eyes for a split second but remembered to better take care for the traffic, right in time.
“What have you even been doing there, man???”
“I’ve been for a walk, through the forest to the river. And… well… on my way back I had to pass the sports home, of course. You know there’s no other way.”
I took a deep breath.
“Did Paul attack you ever before?”
Again he was silent.
Meanwhile it seemed Brain was hypnotizing his fingers.
„Now? Did he? Common, tell me. I don’t eat little boys.”
And then there was this sound. It sounded like the ring of a clear bell - it was Brian laughing.
“No, you don’t. I realized that already. After all you’re sitting next to me every day for half a year now.”
Now I had to laugh, too.
It was the first time we had a normal talk. A real conversation. Not only ‘Where’s the gym hall?‘ or some small talk like that.
“Paul and his gang hassled me on the street, when I met them at the super market or in the city. But nothing happened - so far. There were always too much ppl around. Probably they didn’t dare to bully me in public.“
I was biting down my lip.
Yes, I also found Brian’s appearance strange… but to attack someone for that… That was wrong. So wrong it made me sick.
That day I brought Brian back home. Nothing more.
But when we met the next day at school there was a difference.
A big difference.
We communicated.
I quit the soccer team back then.
After I’ve put Paul and his rat pack at distress, all I met there was pure hate.
And besides that I didn’t want to share my time with such blokes.
I still had the basketball team. And they welcomed the fact I put more of my energy into their team very much.
Brian and me got more and more into touch. At first only at school, but then we also started to meet after class.
He invited me to his home.
I have no idea why he did that.
We could have met at my place as well… but maybe he thought he had to, cause he asked me for gathering.
Brian’s parents were… well… to call them difficult would be an understatement.
His mother started into a tirade of lamentations, when she came back home from work.
“What do you look like again, boy? Don’t you have something to study for? Do you have to sit here again and play your stupid guitar, already??”
It seemed she didn’t realize me. I was sitting in the elegant, white leathered armchair that did not really fit to Brian, in one of the corners of his room.
I realized fast, that Paul and other blogs like him were not the only ppl that let Brian suffer for what he was. Also at home he had a hard time being himself.
I cleared my throat, got up the chair and made a careful step towards his mother.
“Mrs. Molko, please excuse me, it’s my fault. I asked Brian to play the guitar for me.”
She definitely hasn’t seen me. Her mouth dropped open, her eyes becoming big.
I smiled confidentially at her and reached out for her hand.
“My name is Noah. Noah White. I’m a classmate of your son.“
Hesitating she shook my hand.
“Oh.. well.. if you asked for it…” she stammered, turned on her heel and left the room.
I always had kind of a disarming effect on adults.
I knew well about my charms, knowing I was everybody’s darling, the kind of son everybody wished for. But not because anybody pushed me to be. I was like that cause that was just me. I always felt happy and content with how I was.
In contrast to Brian, who’s appearance sometimes seemed to me like made up to rebel against his parents.
Brian just had taken the guitar into his hands. He didn’t even play one tone yet before we were interrupted by his mother. But now he was put on the spot and had to play. We both knew she was standing in the hallway, listening.
Brian played a few popular songs that were dominating the charts back then and I already was deeply impressed.
But then, probably when he thought his mother was out of hearing range, Brian closed his oceanblue eyes and got lost.
Oh my god!!!
It was … kind of an epiphany to me.
Never before I experienced how someone was turning his insides out, laying his soul to my feet, getting totally lost in music.
And exactly that was what Brian did.
His voice, when talking often a bit too week, maybe out of fear, became strong, expressive, loud, in some parts silent, but always full of emotion, totally passionate.
After the last notes fell silent Brian opened his eyes again, but I was only able to stare at him.
What was that?
What happened?
Still I was totally spellbound.
Why didn’t he continue?
How could he suddenly turn the switch and look at me as if it would be the most normal thing in the world, that he just was doing a soul-strip in front of me???
“You don’t like it.” Brian came to reason, as I was still staring at him like a lunatic.
It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.
He was already about to put back the guitar into its case.
I reached out my hand, laying it on top of his, to stop him.
A feeling like an electric current suddenly running through my system.
It must have been the tension of the music.
“No. Brian, that was …. Amazing! Please! Could you please play anything else for me?“ I begged.
For a moment his gaze was insecure, as if he were doubting my words, but then his eyes lightened up like stars.
In a swift move he took back up the guitar and played another fascinating song.
And another.
Never before I’ve been caught in music like that.
But then Brian’s dad banged into the room without any warnings, without knocking the door, violently grabbing the guitar out of Brian’s hand and throwing it derisively into the case. I was frightened he would break that magical instrument.
“Marcus, no, don’t make such a big fuss. The boy’s having a visitor!” Brian’s mum came running into the room. Obviously she was ashamed for her husband’s behavior.
Again it were my charms that disarmed him, calmed him a bit.
But from that day on I suggested to Brian to meet at my place.
My parents didn’t feel disturbed at all.
Not even by Brian’s mascara or nail polish.
They’ve always been cosmopolitans, very tolerant. And that was how they raised me.
****End of Flashback****
It’s been more than twenty years now when all that happened.
And now?
Now he’s laying here in front of me.
The celebrated hero. The rock star.
With his band Placebo he’s as successful as never before.
The last album ‘Battle for the Sun’ was number one in ten countries at the same time.
His not existing reaction shows me, that he must be on drugs, again.
And that makes me frantic.
Damn it, I had to pull him out of that morass before already!!
Back then it was Will, who let him fall deeply, who hurt Brian so bad that he hurt himself.
And now it was Marlena.
She was gone.
And she had taken Theo with her.
And Brian’s life was a pile of broken glass.
“Brian, come on! Get up!” I order, but he’s winding like a worm, buckling, just to throw back his head and start into a hysteric laughter.
When did Marlena leave?
A week ago?
This place looks as if she would have left a year ago and as if there would have been a hurricane back then.
And if nobody would have cleaned up since that ever.
It hurts me to see Brian like that.
But that just makes me more frantic.
“Brian, what have you been taking?”
I wait in vain for a response.
“BRIAAAN!!” I scream at him.
Finally he stops laughing, shoots me a quick glance. His pupils are wide, alarming wide.
For a moment we look at each other, silent. Everything’s silent. He is silent.
I would like to fall down on my knees, take him in my arms and comfort him.
But then he blinks and falls again into that hysteric laughter.
I turn around.
My emotions boil over.
Raged I kick the pile of laundry laying around in the middle of the room.
Dirty clothes are flying in all directions.
It doesn’t bring me any relieve.
And Brian’s giggle even rises.
I close my eyes and walk off.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to bear this.
Chapter 3 - Garden
I take a deep breath in the fresh air of the beautiful garden.
The garden – Marlena’s sanctuary.
There are roses blooming everywhere – the flowers she likes the most.
I cannot understand how she could leave all that behind and walk off.
But I definitely will also never understand how she could leave Brian behind.
Why didn’t he call me?
Didn’t he know that I would be there for him?
That I would always be there for him?
No matter what he did?
No matter if there was a good reason, Marlena left him or not?
***flashback for a few hours***
Marlena… I met her this morning at the pediatrist where I was with my son Marten for immunization.
When I entered the waiting-room together with Marten she starred at the tiled floor at first.
I didn’t understand why.
We’ve always been good friends, meeting often, the ladies once a week.
Theo jumped up when he saw his friend Marten and so Marlena couldn’t restrain anymore of also greeting us.
And asking me how Brian was.
I just starred at her, bewildered.
How could she not know how Brian was?
Why did she ask me????
Seconds were ticking by in silence. We were only staring at each other.
And then the tears started to run down her cheeks.
“You… you don’t know about it???”
Realization almost knocked me out.
I brought Marten back to Monique directly after leaving the pediatrist.
Of course she knew it. And didn’t tell me as well.
How could all the world know about it, but me???
Monique looked at me with pity. She said she thought I would know, she thought Brian would have called me.
But he didn’t.
Why didn’t he call?
Was he all right?
No, he was not all right for sure.
But how bad was it???
In agony I was driving to Brian’s house.
I rang the bell like a thunderbolt – but nobody opened.
I knocked, called, shook the door-frame.
Nothing.
Was he out?
But his car was standing on the porch.
Fortunately I knew where the spare key was laying and let myself in.
The smell in the house was almost taking my breath away.
Over destroyed dishes, feathers spread from violently torn pillows, foam from a cut open sofa, cloths and garbage I made my way through the house.
Room for room.
In the bathroom I found the matter for the awful smell.
Brian eventually made it to the toilet before he had to vomit, but he didn’t manage to push the flush anymore.
Next to the bathroom is the sleeping room.
I hoped Brian would be there but when I found the room empty I started to doubt he’d really be home.
Anyway I made my way further.
I finally found him in the children’s room.
Theo’s room.
The only room that was not devastated.
Brian was laying behind Theo’s bed on the pure wooden panels.
At first I could only see his legs.
“Brian!!” I rushed over towards him.
No reaction.
There was blood on the floor. It wasn’t much but my heart missed a beat by the minute.
I closed my eyes for a second, took a deep breath and prayed to god, in whom I stopped believing years ago, that Brian would not be dead.
I went down on my knees, carefully shaking Brian’s shoulder and he suddenly screamed up, just to let his head fall back on the hard floor.
If god heard my prayers or not… I have no idea. I didn’t care as well. But I’ve send a new prayer, thanking him, that Brian was still alive.
But in which state he was alive….???
Carefully I turned Brian on his back. His forehead was obviously injured but not too drastic. Anyway his whole face was smeared with blood, dried already in some places. It was only a small laceration. Did he injure himself by falling off the bed?
“Brian, can you hear me?”
Again there was no reaction. He just stared at me for a second and then closed his eyes again.
“Brian, are you all right?” I asked as vivid as possible.
But he just didn’t care a fuck.
I went back into the bathroom, taking a facecloth, that I washed with fresh water to clear Brian’s face from all the blood and to have a closer look at the wound.
Really unspectacular, like expected.
Obviously he had worse problems.
“Brian, come on, please get up.”
-
“Brian, please talk with me.”
-
“Brian, what is going on here?”
-
“Brian, can you hear me???”
-
“BRIAN, what did you take???”
-
“Fuck! Brian! Get up!“
*****end of flashback / continued at the of beginning of the story / chapter 1 *****
It makes me frantic.
The fresh air in the garden feels good.
I inhale it deeply.
I stroke through my hair with my hands, coming down at first.
Brian’s alive.
Everything else is unimportant.
Sure, he’s fucked up.
But even I have been in a horrible state after Monique left me - even if I never loved her as much as I should have.
And she didn’t leave me all of a sudden, without warning, like Marlena did.
What has happened that she left so rashly?
I really have no clue.
Maybe Monique could tell me about it?
Or maybe she would not – She is very loyal, doesn’t like to talk about her best friend, even if it could help.
I will have to ask Brian.
As soon as he’s sober.
I take a last deep breath, then I go back in.
The smell is really disgusting.
At first I open the windows, then I lean down to Brian again, who still lays apathetic next to the bed of his son.
“Brian? I will put you into bed.“ I give him a warning.
“Let me.” He moans.
I’m not regarding his protest and am happy about the halfway reasonable reaction – not a hysteric laughter anymore.
Carefully I put my arms under his small figure, expecting him, to start hitting everything within reach, but there is no resistance. To my surprise Brian even puts his arms around my neck.
When I’m lucky, he’ll sleep for a few hours before the drugs wear off and the deprivation kicks in.
I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, watching Brian for a while.
He is calm. Positively calm. Not too calm.
He turns to the side, arranges the pillow a bit before he snuggles in.
I cover him with the blanket to his feet, before I get up.
I go on the search for garbage bags.
I don’t care if there are memorable things in between all the dirt, I throw away everything, only save some photos. And a MTV award, that I pull out from under the coffee table. I put it aside.
It takes me quite some hours until everything’s halfway tidy and clean.
Brian’s still sleeping when I’m finished.
I sit down at the bed’s end again.
He looks so amazingly peaceful.
It’s almost incredible, that only a few hours ago I was mad as hell on him.
But why have I even been so mad?
I don’t need to search long to find the answer.
I know I’ve been mad, cause it hurts me to see him like that.
Why can’t I be resigned?
At least a little bit?
Why does it have to hurt so damn to see Brian suffer?
I try to tell myself it’s cause he is such a wonderful, incredibly lovely person.
Okay, Brian can be a diva as well.
But basically he doesn’t hurt anybody with his attitude.
He would never hurt anybody who didn’t hurt him.
If he’s affronted, he can defend of course, but most of the time he defends verbal.
Real violence was never his thing.
And not only because he’s small and lanky.
He only looks as if he physically would be setback against his enemies. He’s much stronger than it appears.
Even I would have a hard time to fight him. No matter I do sports almost every day.
Whereat… I didn’t have to compete with him in a long time.
In his last drug delusion, years ago, he hit everything around him and with that he hit me. I gathered some bruises and a broken rib. – That’s where my fear came from, when I was just laying him on the bed a few hours ago, again.
But maybe it was also due to the fact he gave a fuck to hurt me in his delusions back then, while I tried not to harm him?
It doesn’t matter.
That’s long ago.
Brian is good.
A wonderful person.
And the best friend you could wish for.
You can always count on him – Not the slightest doubts.
Without any enquiry, he would do anything, give anything.
He rescued me.
More than once.
And the first time it was long before I had to pull him out of the morass, so it was never out of duty.
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G.S. Chocolate & Placebo Anyway
