Placebo Fanfiction - SAND

Placebo Fanfiction 
by G.S. chocolate  in colaboration with Placebo Anyway

Here we are with a new FanFiction of our Placebo writer G.S. chocolate.

Read also her first publication here on the page. 

SAND

„Hrmpf“ I groan quietly.

Why did I agree to this?

I hate sand! Sand and the sun!

You need sun-protection lotion if you come out here to the beach or you'll get burned to ashes. But being covered in that damn shit I soon look like a Wiener Schnitzel. The sand is sticking to the sun lotion mercilessly.

But if it would be only for that.

My throat still burns from swallowing that damn salt water. Fuck! But I was so startled when this stupid fish suddenly touched my feet.

And if it would not be enough, Steve is enjoying himself very much organizing a beach volleyball game! Heaven help!!

„Common Brian! If you don't play with us we are not even! Please! We really need one more man!“

I close my eyes before I roll them. He doesn't have to see how annoyed I am or he'll even make more fun out of me.

„Steve, even if I play, it will be uneven. I will even be a disadvantage for the team I am in, standing in the way all the time.“ I explain him with more patience than I actually have.

But sunny just throws his head back laughing.

“Brian... it would be a pleasure to have you in my team! Really. Don't make yourself worse than you are.”

Good god, what should I say to that?

I hold up the book that I already have in my hands, wave it at him.

“Then count me in your team and I try to stay out of your ways here on my lounger.”

Not even waiting for his reply I bury my nose in the papers and start to read.

***

Of course this fucking sunny Californian made it to build two teams.

He just asked a group of young, sunny guys a little way down the beach and one of them happily agreed.

With each team having a sporty guy now in their team it seems even to me.

It's Steve, Fiona and Nick in one team and Stef and Alex in the other together with this new guy.

Bill was clever enough to refuse coming here from first hand. I should have asked him earlier. But I thought we all would go and didn't want to be the odd one out, again. I have been more than often enough during the last weeks after ...

And Steve is so happy we are finally playing a few gigs in his homeland. He talked about showing us his beloved beaches from the day Alex booked the thing.

Trying not to dwell too much on the disgusting sand between my toes I settle in the lounger.

Here in the shade of the parasol the warmth actually feels good. If I don't move more than my finger to turn the page every now and then I even won't sweat. And it is good to have some time to myself, some time to relax. There was too much going on the last weeks with ...

But no matter how hard I try not to think about it I cannot stop my mind from wandering off, cannot stop the pictures I see in my head.

The picture of Abbey in my house, in our sleeping room.

The picture of Abbey being stuck between these two guys.

The picture of Abbey being filled with two massive dicks.

The picture of Abbey being fucked up the wall.

The picture of Abbey moaning and crying out for more.

The picture of Abbey looking at me in shock when she realized I came home early.

She sent them away immediately.

She covered herself immediately.

She was ashamed immediately.

She excused immediately.

She promised me this was the very first time immediately.

She promised me this would never happen again immediately.

She asked me to forgive her immediately.

But I couldn't.

I picked up the bag that was not even unpacked yet, after weeks of touring, and left the house.

I ran away. Ran to Stef first, crying my eyes out.

I spend only one night at his beautiful house. I knew he was as happy to be home, with his beloved, as I would have been.

Normally. But not so this time.

The very next day I checked in into another hotel room. Not having my own bed back, not having my kitchen, my collection of green tea, my garden, my stereo, my anonymity, my love … Everything I longed for I was refused.

Abbey called me again and again, excusing, asking me for forgiveness, telling me it was only sex, she only loved me, crying.

But I didn't want to hear about it. All I needed was time.

I stopped picking up my phone after a while.

It only made me feel worse.

I was shaken. I had to find back to myself first.

And that took me so long until we finally went on tour again.

Me in a miserable mood. Not relaxed, not settled, not having had a rest at all.

Of course my band mates and crew suffered from my vagaries.

But I knew it was not their fault and so I tried my best. Enough time has passed. I couldn't wallow in pity for the rest of my life. I had to pick up my life again and make the best out of it.

Ridiculous how I could think she would be the one, how I could think she would be a part of it forever.

I had to get over it. And so I ended up here, on a sunny beach in sunny California. Hooray.

Since at least ten minutes I am staring at the same page, reading the same sentence all over again and again. I should have picked that damn little novel Stef suggested, It would have been an easier distraction than this book about the Indonesian political background.

Frustrated I lay the thing down on my lap, watch the volleyball game, hoping to at least get this damn picture out of my head.

***

I am surprised how interesting such a game is once you know all the players.

All but one.

But … I have to admit he's actually the most interesting one.

He's almost as skinny as I was in my bad days but he doesn't look so weak. His muscles are not too prominent, they are well defined. And he's taller than me. I guess about 1.80 m almost. I like his blue eyes. They are not as big as mine but they are of a darker colour, a more beautiful colour. As his hair is longer than mine was in my twenties. It falls beautifully over his shoulders in dark brown waves, with bleached endings. It doesn't look like grown out. It looks like a perfect picture. As does he.

But is he still in his twenties? He doesn't appear childish, he seems to be calmer than Steve. But that could also be a question of character, I tell myself.

I catch myself staring when Stef suddenly cries out loud.

He's sitting on the floor, cursing, holding his foot in his hand, rubbing it.

It would not be necessary for me to get up and look for him, there are too many people leaning over him anyway but I don't think too much about it. Automatically I rush to the side of my long time best friend to see what happened.

But when I am finally there Stef already stumbles to his feet again.

“It's fine. I'm okay.” He says through gritted teeth.

I want to make my way to my lounger again when I crash into a warm, sweaty body.

Our skin only touches for a short second but it feels like electricity.

His hands are on my arms to support me from falling.

“Sorry.” is all he says when he looks down into my big eyes.

The feeling only intensifies.

Holly shit!

I forgot how to speak, forgot how to form coherent sentences.

But only for a moment.

“No problem. I'm okay.” I smile my generous little smile at him, enjoy the fascinating touch for one more moment before I find the full balance again and he takes his slender strong hands off my arms.

I am a little sorry it didn't last any longer. Hesitant I stay for a few seconds, our eyes at least still in contact. “Uhm... I hope I didn't hurt you?” I finally come up with a question.

He smiles a lovely smile before he repeats my words. “No problem. I'm okay, too.”

Wow. I didn't think he could be even more pretty than when his prominent cheek bones poke out of his beautiful face while he looked at me so intense but this smile … It lights his eyes, sets them on fire threatening to burn me.

Steve claps his hands as he wants to continue the game.

“Common guys. Let's play!” He shouts enthusiastic and I know it is time for me to make way again.

I sit down in my lounger again but of course I can concentrate even less on this stupid book now. Like a lunatic I watch the game, watch him. Until he catches me. Embarrassed I hold the book up higher, will myself into reading but I don't have to struggle for too long.

It seems Stef's ankle is not as okay as he would wish.

With a loud “Stop” Alex interrupts the game and shoves Stef to the lounger next to me with a grim look on her face.

“Mister! Don't try to play any stupid tricks. You sprained your damn ankle! Now sit down and try to recover! You have a gig to play tomorrow!”

Everybody is glad about the little break, gets to have a drink, the beauty clinking his can of soda with Steve, both smiling like the sun. If that little tattooed bastard would not be married I would really still doubt if he's not gay. But well. I am not gay, too. And I don't mind a beautiful boy.

A beautiful boy like this. It even gives me a little pang to see the two young men so close together.

***

I thought the game is over when Steve suddenly is next to me. He sits in a crouch, takes the book out of my hands.

“Steve!” I snap at him.

But his smile is disarming.

I take a deep breath, squeeze the bridge over my nose.

“What is it?” I ask exasperated.

He still smiles, flashing his damn perfect, white teeth, looking from me to Stef and back.

“Well, Brian, of course I understand you are maybe not a pro in beach volleyball. But you are sure better than dear Stef over there.” He winks at Stef again, shrugging apologetic. “Now, after all. So, as there is no option but one I am happy you volunteer as his replacement.”

Replacement?

Volunteer?

I stare at him incredulous. He cannot be serious!

“Steve, are you kidding me?” I would have liked to come up with a cheeky comment but my mind was blank. Maybe it's too hot out here to think straight. Or the salt water I swallowed?

“No, of course not! Common! Don't be a poor sport! The game is fun and your team is about to win. You cannot let down dear Joshua* over there.” He winks towards blue-eye, who smiles at us.

I think for a moment, think desperately for an excuse.

“Can't one of his friends join instead of me?” But when I turn to gesture there I realize his friends are not there any more. I still wonder when Steve gives me the answer.

“They left already. He stood for us. So common, Bri. Please!”

For a moment I look at him, trying hard to find a reason not to make a fool out of myself but my resistant dissolves already slowly.

“What if I also sprain my ankle?”

Steve's eyes become huge. Huge and wet. But he's better in holding back a fit of laughter than Alex.

“Hmpf!” I put the damn book aside and get to my feet. If our manager laughs about my attempts for staying safe I guess I don't have a good excuse to really stay away from the game.

“Hey!! Brian is so nice to join us! Let's continue!” Steve already announces and jumps back to the make shift field, clapping beauty on his shoulder, who just nods smiling.

***

Slowly I make my way to the field, looking down, thinking about what I must look like, in my skin-tight trunks.

“Hey.” Eventually I raise my head to look up to him. “Brian.” I hold my hand out for him.

Fuck! His little smile is breath-taking. “Joshua. Nice to meet you.” He replies, shaking my hand, eliciting an electric current to run over my skin again.

“Yeah, nice to meet you, too.” I must look like a lunatic with this cheek-hurting smile on my face. “And...” I try to smooth my features, look non-chalant. “.. I am sorry.”

“Sorry?” He takes the bite.

“To make your team lose now. I am anything but sporty.”

I kick my flip-flops to the side, out of the field, and the game begins.

God! Why? Oh why did I agree to this?

It is awful!

The sand that sticks to my skin from jumping around in it is awful!

And I am awful!

I don't catch a ball and when it hits me by accident I return it in the wrong direction.

Joshua is doing his very best to keep the game running. All he needs is three more points to win that thing for us, the others trail behind with eight points.

But he's good. Damn good. It seems so easy for him, almost effortlessly.

God! I love how his delicate muscles move under his white skin.

How come his skin is white, by the way?

I catch myself staring when suddenly a ball hits my head.

Fuck! I want to immerse in that horrible sand!

Please!

*

I dunno how he did it but eventually we won.

Not with a difference of eight points any more … but we won.

Since the ball hit my head I gave my best to take part in the game, be at least a bit supportive for Joshua and Alex.

And now it is an exhilarating feeling that we've made it.

At first Joshua comes to hug me tight, all reserve dissolved. Not only his but also mine. It is pure bliss and I am a little disappointed that Alex is interrupting us all too soon to celebrate with us.

When she hugs him I stand there a little awkward, not really knowing what to do with myself. Shall I run to the sea to wash the sand off? But what if the fish come back? But it would also do good for my sweating. Jeez, what must Joshua think of me? While his skin is only glistening slightly that damn sweat is running down all over me, again, like it always uses to. Usually I am not so ashamed of it any more as everybody knows about it. Everybody but Joshua.

Surprisingly Steve comes to rescue me, clapping my shoulder, congratulating me.

“It's the first time you win a beach volleyball game, mate?” he asks.

“It's the first time I played beach volleyball, Steve.” I reply dryly.

But sunny laughs. “Yeah, so it's your first victory! First game – first victory! That's a great share! We should celebrate it!”

Celebrate it. I look straight ahead, see Joshua releasing Alex finally and think it would not be a too bad idea to celebrate. With him.

With another little slap Steve turns around, heads to the cool box and comes back a few seconds later with six bottles of bear, sharing it out.

Without anybody noticing it he gave me the non-alcoholic one and gratefully I take a big sip.

But I am surprised to catch Joshua staring at the bottle hesitant.

Slowly I make my way over to him. “You prefer something else?” I ask him, clinking my bottle lightly to his to indicate what I am talking about.

“Uhm...” He appears a little shy for the first time and as I don't want to make it too hard for the young guy I help him out.

“There is another non-alcoholic one in the box, probably.”

His eyes get big in surprise but when he realizes mine is too his eyes start to sparkle again.

“Yeah! Yeah, a non-alcoholic one would be cool. I … I don't drink any alcohol... anymore.”

I hold his gaze for a moment when I take the beer out of his hands and ask myself once more how old he really is.

We clink our bottles after I replaced his and then it suddenly is easy to chat with him. He compliments my playing, says he would have expected me to be worse, after my warning. I can laugh only. It is clear to me that he is charming me, tries to flirt with me, though I cannot understand why a guy like him would want to flirt with me. I am so much older than him. And with all the sand on my skin and my hair sticking to my face from the sweat... I don't even wear any make-up! But well... at least it cannot be smeared now, so I guess it is to my advantage.

After the drink I am happy the girls want to refresh also and we all go for a little swim in the sea.

When we get out the water running down Joshua's well-toned body and his wet hair make him a sight to see. This time I don't only catch myself staring but also Alex, Fiona and, of course, Stef.

And it are also the girls asking him to join us to the hotel for dinner and another drink in the bar. Their faces don't hide their disappointment when he says he wouldn't have the time, despite he really would like to.

*

Slowly our little group spreads.

Stef limps with Alex to get a taxi back to the hotel.

Fiona and Nick decide for jogging along the beach. Nerds!

And Steve ran to the surf board rental close by as soon as Alex was out of sight.

So there is only me and Joshua left.

I am aware it is seldom but I feel shy, dunno what to do, what to ask, now that we're alone.

I already think about laying down on the lounger and pick up my book again when Joshua takes the word.

“So this was your first beach volleyball game ever?”

“Uhm, yeah. My first volleyball game at all ever.” I agree, not too proud with myself.

“Your first volleyball game ever? How could that happen? Haven't you had sports at school?”

I cannot hold back a little laugh now. “Yeah of course we had sports. But I did not take part.”

“You did not take part?” He cannot believe it.

I hesitate a bit with a reply. It would be too much to explain I was never sporty and anyway have been the loser in the International School of Luxembourg.

But he seems to sense my embarrassment and skips the question fast.

“Nevermind. You did pretty well for your first time.”

Is he kidding me? Or is he flirting?

“Well, let's be serious, I suck.” I try not to fool myself but want to give back the compliment. “But you played like a pro! Isn't there anything else you do? Do you play beach volleyball all the time?”

Again he laughs that shy little laugh. “No. No, not all the time. But Ben likes to play it very much and so ...” he trails off.

Ben? Who the fuck is Ben? He wouldn't mention his partner if he tried to flirt with me, no?

“Ben is your boyfriend?” I cannot hold back the question that is probably much too private.

His eyes are sincere when he stops chuckling. “No, Ben is not my boyfriend. I don't have a boyfriend.”

A heavy stone falls off my chest. No boyfriend! I seem to be lucky!

“So, would you like me to show you the basics of the game?”

The basics of the game? I feel like I would be standing in the woods. I know well about sex. Or … ? Oh! He didn't mean that game, he was talking about beach volleyball, I realize when I follow his gaze.

“Ahem... yeah, sure. I dunno when I will need it ever again but it would be cool. Yeah, please.” I accept enthusiastic.

As we are only two we are in different 'teams' now, to my disappointment. But as I really don't know a thing he spends more time in my field, coming to show me how to hold my hands, how to dash, how to serve, how to bounce.

There is no mean intention that I am failing so often, though I enjoy it a tad too much when he has to show it to me intently, standing behind me, wrapping his long arms around mine, his hands touching, forming mine.

I have to admit he is damn good in what he does. In the end of the day I am at least good enough to play a little game against him. I know he doesn't put any effort into it, plays weak so I am not discouraged but it is fun anyway and I am happy about my progress.

I even ask myself why I hated sports in all my life. I never thought it could be so much fun.

When he finally wins 15 : 6 the sun already sets. Together we sit down on one of the loungers, open the cool box.

“I am sorry, it seems all the non-alcoholic beer is gone...” I trail off.

Hey, this is no lie! At least not about the beer which is really gone. But I am not really sorry. I guess he is as thirsty as me and see my chance. “You really won't like to come for a drink to the hotel with me?”

The smile on his lips remains when he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath.

I get a little insecure about his reaction but then he turns to me, looks me deep into my eyes.

“Bri, I would love to come with you. For a drink or for dinner or...” he trails off shortly. “... But I can't. Zoe expects me home in a while and I would like to tell Ben about this wonderful day on the beach before I kiss him good-night.”

My head spins.

Zoe?

Ben?

Tell him about this day?

Kiss him good-night?

But I am not stupid. I have a child on my own.

For a moment there is silence. I tear my gaze from his eyes and look down, only to see a delicate ring on his finger. A wedding band. Why didn't I see that before?

I need one more second to recollect myself but then I give him the most honest smile of all this day.

“Then tell your son my greetings.”

Only for a moment his eyes twitch but then he returns the smile.

“Thank you. I will do so.” With that he gets up.

I also drag myself to my feet, stand opposite to him and all of a sudden it isn't that easy any more to embrace him.

But I am happy when he pulls me into a friendly hug.

He takes the cold box so I don't have to carry it and together we make our way up the dune.

“Brian?” He asks in a voice so low you can hardly hear it.

“Joshua?”

“It was really a fantastic day. You are fantastic. And if I would be younger and hadn't found the love of my live yet... I ...” I think I see his cheeks turn a little red.

Meanwhile we reached the taxi stand.

Silently we stand next to each other for a moment.

“Well. You could have taken your chance... She would have never found out and you would have not seen me ever again probably.... But... You have no idea how happy I am you did not.” Our eyes meet, his gaze is glued to mine. “Not only because it is always a bit sad to be a one-night-stand, to be a number only. But first of all because you gave me back reason. It seems there is still real love and it is worth to believe in it. So, thank you Joshua. I am in your debt.”

His eyes don't leave mine but I lower my head a bit so he should not see the tears that burn behind them.

Without any further word he pulls me into a tight embrace, it is more than the friendly hug just minutes ago, I think to feel his lips on my hair for a second but then he is gone.

Fast as lightning he breaks the embrace and walks off.

Dumbstruck I stand there, stare after him for a while instead of jumping into the taxi that waits for me already and eventually he turns around and waves at me.

“Good bye Brian.” He shouts.

G.S. Chocolate & Placebo Anyway 

* When Chocolate created Joshua...you know in whom she was thinking about ;-)